The first time I did crystal meth was the night I met my last lover. He approached me at a dance club and asked me if I liked to "party." Thinking he was talking about sex, I said yes. We went back to my place where he introduced me to crystal and SM. Our relationship for the next 4-1/2 years consisted of sex and drugs and not much else. Although marijuana was our drug of choice, the inclusion of crystal meth increased from every 4-6 weeks to every time we could afford it--and even when we couldn't. We both used crystal as a means to break down our sexual barriers, and eventually, we simply didn't have sex unless we were high.
I continued to use crystal meth with increasing frequency for a year or so after leaving my lover and living on my own. The frequency and quantity of crystal usage escalated uncontrollably and the recovery time took longer and longer. My ability to function at work became seriously impaired and I was forced to take a leave of absence (due, ostensibly, to stress).
With my disability income coming to an end in late 1994, I took a part-time job working in a small business for a caring and compassionate man who wanted to help me return to the job market. I had difficulty with the responsibility and frequently went to work still "tweaked" from my last high.
Sick with myself and my situation, I made a resolution on New Year's Day 1995 not to do crystal any more. Three weeks later I found myself at my drug dealer's house. He offered me a line and I accepted. On my way out the door he handed me a few lines and said to make sure I came back to spend the night (I'd been waiting for that invitation for months!!). Ten minutes later I was stopped by the West Hollywood Sheriff's Department for riding my bicycle at night without a headlight. They searched me, found the crystal and booked me for possession.
Because I was a first-time offender, my sentence was reduced to one year's probation and mandatory participation in a drug deferment program. The program requires one AA meeting and one drug class per week for 20 weeks (at $50 each). I left my sentencing hearing relieved that my judgment was so light, and armed with the knowledge that if I completed the deferment program successfully, my criminal record would be "esponged" and no public source would have access to that drug-related charge.
I found the courtroom experience a harrowing one, so when I left I went directly to my dealer's house to get high. Tweaked to the gills, we strolled the cold, wet, empty streets of West Hollywood late that night. As we passed three parked Sheriff patrol cars, he turned to me and said, "Oh, by the way, I guess I should tell you that I'm carrying some stuff on me." Wham! It hit me like a ton of bricks. What the hell was I doing? The terms of my probation (signed and agreed to that very afternoon) stated that if I were caught with drugs, or with anyone in possession of drugs, that my probation would be revoked and I would be jailed immediately for the entire term of my conviction.
Weary, confused, and frightened, I went to work the next day a complete wreck. My boss took me aside and gently asked if I thought I had a problem, and did I think I might want some help. I broke down, sobbing with relief. I was ready to admit, finally, that I did have a problem and so relieved that someone had asked me--because I was too scared and too proud to ask for help on my own. He told me about his own difficulty with drugs and alcohol and showed me that I no longer had to be alone with my problem. A few days later he took me to an AA meeting and on October 3rd I will have 20 months of sobriety.
Oh yes, there are still times when I want to get high. I really liked using crystal...I loved the rush...I loved the high...I loved the energy...and I really loved the sex, but at some point it just didn't work anymore. My life became insane. Crystal took all my money, got me mixed up with dangerous people, and made me absolutely crazy about sex. It wasn't fun any more and no matter how much I wanted to, I just couldn't stop. At least, not on my own.
My Pleasure Principle
We all hear plenty of negative hype and often judgmental things about crystal, but there has to be some reason why people use it. My experience with the drug has been pretty much nothing but good; at least, I've never had an occasion to say, "Boy, I'm never doing that again!" I had a sense of energy I'd never experienced before. I had previously wondered whence my friends got their second and third winds when out partying; I wonder no more. The only unpleasantness I've experienced with crystal has been some fatigue the day after, except for one time when a friend offered me some which was very yellow and foul smelling; in fact, he even called it "Pissy Crissy." It made me irritable instead of fun and gave me a nasty congestion of the sinuses for about a day. Apart from that, if the situation is right, it can be a blast for me. Here's why I like it:
I get to be myself longer without interruption, which is especially pleasing if I take it when I'm already in a good mood.
It can make me extremely horny (I've heard this goes for most people who use it), and if I am, it allows me to keep going; if you find yourself in one of those rare sexual situations where everything comes together with the other person, you certainly don't want it to be over in twenty minutes!
It helps me control my appetite. Because of my job and extracurricular obligations, I don't have a lot of time to go to the gym and battle for the Stairmaster. Crystal can help me stave off debilitating hunger pangs long enough to avoid the artery spackle at Jack in the Box.
Depending on how much I do, I can stay awake as long as I want. Like many people, I thoroughly enjoy going out with friends to clubs and bars, and like most people, if we enjoy something, we don't want it to stop. The only problem with this is that most of the fairly mainstream stuff to do in our environs shuts down at around 2:00 AM. If I'm horny and getting my second or third wind around that time, there's no way I'm going to rush home and clean my apartment all morning like a mad Mary Poppins (although I have done a "practically perfect" job more than once)! This is where the risky stuff comes in for me. First of all, I'm not poverty-stricken, but if I drop a nickel, I pick it up. The longer one is out and about, the more money one is likely to spend. More importantly, however, is the fact that the longer one is out and about, especially if one's sexual appetite is whetted, the more situations requiring careful judgment one finds. If I'm out having fun, I need to focus on the decisions I've made for myself and pay special attention to sticking to them. Sometimes when one is on crystal it's difficult to focus on anything. If I begin to doubt my constitution in these matters, I need to pull myself back a bit. Nevertheless, it so far hasn't been a big problem for me to exercise the same judgment I would if I weren't on crystal (sexually speaking at least), and I feel good about that.
Probably my strongest motivation for using it, however, is simply the fact that the drug is illegal. Staying out all night is considered a wicked thing to do by many. Both of these ideas add to the fun, especially if one is pretty straight-laced otherwise. I happen to have a job that often gives me an undue amount of stress because of the amount of dependability required on my part, but I certainly do not have the character of a saint. Crystal can sometimes help me temporarily discard my shell of social (but not personal) responsibility. In other words, it's a nice escape--a brief hiatus from the daily grind. We all need a release, and anything that's judged by others as socially irresponsible, be it drugs, alcohol, certain forms of sex, etc., helps satisfy this need. Essentially, there is nothing wrong with this kind of escape or release from time to time as long we keep several important words in mind: perspective, moderation, context and personal responsibility.
That's been my experience using crystal. So far, it's all gone well, and I have no reason yet to think anything will go awry. It's likely that I will do it again some time.
It feels very strange at this point to call myself an addict. I have been sober (from crystal) almost as long as I used it. This February will be three years since I've done a line. It's strange how some things linger with you. Even after three years when I'm out at a club and I go to the bathroom, I catch myself wiping my nose just before I exit the stall.
Like most people, I started using in a recreational setting. A friend of mine from work invited me to go out dancing with him. While we were changing from our work clothes into "evening wear" he asked me if I knew "Tina."
"Tina who?" I replied
"Tina what!" was his answer.
Well needless to say, that night I met my first dealer and "Tina" and I began a long term relationship. Just like most relationships in the early stages, "Tina" and I got along blissfully. We began seeing each other every weekend. With "Tina" I could dance all night (which is not a pretty sight, since I'm a white boy from the valley).
As time passed, being with "Tina" only on my days off just was not working. I made excuses to myself on why it was necessary for "Tina" to be with me at work. In fact I met someone who had a long-standing relationship with "Tina."
We were soon living together. My new companion had such a close relationship with "Tina" that he was very popular in the neighborhood. At the time, I didn't realize that his goal in life was to introduce "Tina" to everyone possible.
"Tina" and he must have met the wrong person because one afternoon while I was taking a nap, I was awoken by at least 10 officers who tore my house apart. But "Tina" was nowhere to be found and my companion convinced me that they made a mistake; that they confused his relationship with "Tina."
Time passed and I cut off my relationship with "Tina," that is until my companion tried to bring "Tina" back into our lives. During that time away I realized I needed to move on and both "Tina" and he were not going to let me.
I'm glad I did, because after four months I found myself obtaining the career goals I had set years ago. Unfortunately for my companion, he and "Tina" were later found together, and he now spends his time in a room with four walls, one cellmate, and a guard who holds the key.
The first time I did crystal in LA was when a girl friend I worked with offered it to me. When she offered me the crystal, I said I hadn't done it before. When she explained how it would make me feel, I knew it was ICE, a substance I had tried when I was 19. I LOVED IT! I didn't eat all day and I felt soooo good. What do I mean by soooo good? Well, we chatted non-stop about everything and laughed and reminisced AND did all our work much faster than usual. Gee, what a surprise, and what a pleasant one all day. By the time the evening rolled around, I was wide awake, but I started to yawn around midnight. This was the perfect drug for me.
I quickly made friends with my girl friend's dealer. I began to feel better and better, I was losing weight and having a great time at work. So what was the problem? I really didn't discover it until I stopped using that summer. Nearing the end of the 12 week binge, I noticed my body stiffening a lot, and I felt as if I always needed a massage. I was so tense! I felt as though my body had been frozen and I got sick. Flu symptoms stayed with me constantly and my whole sleep pattern was a wreck. My nostril was burned clean, which was probably a combination of the crystal and coke.
What I remember so well was how good I felt when I went out to the bars and sex clubs and how good sex felt, but how shitty I felt the next day about the experiences the night before. Clearly, my self-esteem was somewhere I wasn't sure about, and I didn't feel like looking for it. But even that feeling didn't last long because I numbed it up so quickly that I never gave myself the chance to really try to analyze what might have been going on. I have always taken drugs socially so I justified it for a long time that way. But when I gained all the weight back, changed jobs and my friend went into rehab, I realized the desire wasn't there anymore. At this point, I do it once in a while when it's offered or when I'm with someone I want to party with, and we buy some and split it. I just have a good time and then it's over and I don't think about it. It was simply a good time and there's nothing to feel guilty about. I don't do it enough to worry about. My self-esteem is close to realistic and I can think much more clearly about the decisions I make and why.
The first time I used crystal, I loved it. When I was first offered crystal, I was so excited. "Finally!" I thought. The crystal went up my nose easier than coke ever did, and the effects were immediate. Suddenly, I had energy, I felt social and alert. Life was instantly vivid. I was a bit clumsy, but it was so much fun. I talked and danced and talked and drank water and talked and talked. The clubs closed, but I found an after-hours joint and partied more.
After the after-hours closed down, I didn't know what I was going to do with all my excess energy and the need to be social, so I went to the baths. Eek! Crystal dick! Though there are still ways to have sex without an erection.
In the morning I went and had breakfast. It had been just over 12 hours since I took a crystal bump and I wasn't down yet. Weariness had not even begun to creep into my consciousness, so I went shopping, had dinner, went dancing and partied until the wee hours of the morning, tricked, walked back to my hotel and went for breakfast again. I still had not slept. It had now been over 36 hours since I used crystal. The day cycle began again and I was not able to actually sleep until that night. I had been up a total of 70 hours, and I definitely felt and looked like a wreck.
Though I thoroughly enjoyed this experience, it wasn't until one year later that I tried crystal again. This time the experience wasn't as fun as before. I felt a need, not a want, to party. Only this time it was like the accelerator was stuck. I couldn't slow down. I kept clinging to people, talking, grinding my teeth, tweaked right out.
My next attempt at using crystal went about the same, but I do not rule out using crystal in my future. If the opportunity presents itself, then I would have no problem with indulging.
I've seen people who are really fucked up because of it, perpetually paranoid, only trusting people when they're tweaked, and I also have friends who use crystal quite a bit and they're fine. As long as it's in moderation, like alcohol or other drugs, then using should be no problem. It's all about control and I have no desire to give mine up.
I was first introduced to crystal when I got into the club scene. I was 18 years old and came from a small town, so drugs were new to my lifestyle. I kept away from crystal for about one year. Then I met my first boyfriend, who was a user. He used crystal as a daily recreation. It wasn't until 6 months into the relationship that I got fed up with not knowing what he was doing while I was asleep, so I decided to start using crystal to stay awake with him. I used crystal for about 3 years. I would dance all night and my body was very alive. On the other hand, I found it to be a very destructive drug. I stopped using crystal nearly three years ago. It will be 3 years on November 27th. My best friend motivated me to stop. He told me it was either the drug or our friendship. For myself, I don't believe in recovery programs. They're not for everyone. But don't get me wrong, they do work for some people. I believe that it has to come from your heart and yourself. That's how I quit. To be honest, I don't ever have the desire to use crystal again. I just look back on the past and say FUCK that !!!!!
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