Sebastian (32)
I remember when I first tried E
I had just come out and began to party.
Going to dance clubs and meeting hot boys
Stocking up on glow sticks and other club toys.
The music and E took me to this place
I can’t fully describe the smile on my face.
I felt so happy, so loved, and thought “What luck!”
When grinding together in the Mongolian Cluster Fuck.
The months that followed were such a blast
I thought the fun would always last!
For the first time I felt this certain way:
That it was more than acceptable— it was great to be gay!
It wasn’t long before I tried methamphetamine
It was a way to keep going along the circuit scene.
At first I liked the buzz to help me stay awake
But soon I learned that it was all a big mistake.
I’d do a bump, and there was only one thing on my mind
I had to have sex for hours at a time.
Doing poppers, watching porn and frequenting the phone line
I’d never be satisfied— more and more men just had to be mine.
Although, at times, the sex would be amazing
There were more times that were rather degrading.
I’d miss work from cruising all night
When I looked in the mirror, I was given a fright.
But yet I kept going— needing more and more krissy
To my friends and family I became quite pissy.
Cranky, irritable and a lot less reliable
At the time I didn’t even see that I was so unstable.
Not to mention the toll it took upon my health
But the worst of all was how I felt about myself.
I began to hate the person I had become
I felt as though my life had come undone.
I tried to quit so I could again feel sane
Sometimes successful, but often starting up again.
I didn’t want to miss out having fun with my peers
At that one big party about which everyone hears.
I convinced myself that I was under control
Everyone else was getting high or in a K hole.
But this reasoning I found soon to be fiction
Krissy had possessed me—I had an addiction.
That’s when I finally decided to ask for assistance
Although I knew I’d meet with a lot of resistance.
I was an addict, and rock bottom I could hit
Unless I gathered my strength— every last bit.
Now, in rehab, I am finding myself again
And resisting those cravings that rate a ten.
It has not been easy; I still have a long way to go
But I will succeed— of this I now know.
Though the temptation lingers and remains still strong
I know it will get easier before too long.
My mind is again focused; my head is clear
I’ve regained those values to which I hold dear.
I’ve turned my failure into my greatest success
My life is now fabulous and not such a mess.
I’m having much more fun being this way
And now I truly believe it’s great to be gay.