The past few weeks have been probably the worst of my life to date. I almost killed my best friend, who is also my roommate, my apartment got broken into, I realized the depth of my addiction, and I've lost over $3k in the past seven days and in the process owe people. I'm on a plane now, going to Fort Lauderdale for a much needed vacation. With everything that’s going on in my life right now many would say that I'm running away, I'm fooling myself....you know what!! I may be fooling myself on a number of things but I am not running away. For the next ten days I am on two big missions, the first, being sober and clean from drugs, and the other, trying to find myself.
I need to figure out what I want out of life, what do I want to do. I have not worked a single job all year, barely even looked for one. Instead I was dealing drugs to survive and in the process became addicted to Ms. Tina aka "Da Classics" (as I use to call that bitch). This bitch has ruined my perception, altered my reality from that of yours. I have partied this year like I've never partied before, surrounded myself around crackheads, whose only concern is getting high. I was raped by some one who I thought was my friend but couldn't do anything to stop him because I was tweaked out of my fucking mind and have been tweaking for 5 days, finally went to sleep, only to wake up for 5 seconds and feeling him inside of me. I thought it was just a bad dream, I didn't know if it happened for sure. I found out a month later what he did, and still my stupid ass decides to become best friends with him only to have him try and do it again, thank god this time I was able to wake up and fight him off.
In January I tried to commit suicide, I've lost or damaged really good friendships. My family kicks me out of my apartment and for four months I was homeless hopping around from friend to friend, or should I say crackhead to crackhead, and my addiction was growing by the day. That pretty much covers the major events for this year. So you see now why I decided to go away for a few weeks. I need a break from everything and every one. I want and need to take control of my life....what’s left of it. No one else can do this except me. What do I want to do? And how will I do it? Who am I? At 26 years old I have never been more lost than I am at this moment. Once thing I know for sure, I don't want to do Ms. Tina anymore. No time soon, maybe never. I am prepared to do rehab if that what it takes for me to stop.
Seven days and counting, this is how I feel, disoriented, tired, paranoid most of the time, I can't even ride the subway or stand on line to order a cup of coffee of Starbucks, and am constantly hungry. When I return home, I hope that I would have found the motivation within myself to begin taking the steps that will eventually lead me to finding a job and being "normal" again, whatever the fuck that means. So many questions, very few answers. There are solutions to all our problems, including mine, some I know but I'm a crackhead, I'm a very sick individual who needs help, serious help, am I running away? Maybe. But maybe, just maybe, I have taken the first and biggest step to the path of my recovery and the desire to be "normal" again, like the rest of you................I was really emotional at this time and scared. Too much was going on. I am happy to report that today (8 months later) I am clean from this bitch. I have a new exciting career, I have put my way back to school. Doors are opening for me. Although things are not great at this time, my future looks bright. I have worked my ass off to get here. I help people fight their addiction. I go to meetings every now and then. I have taken control and have accepted things in my life. It saddens me when I read some of the stories and see what’s going on here in New York with the increasing Tina use and people sero-converting. I thank god that I am still negative, even after the rape. Unfortunately my roommate isn't, he sero-converted around the same time I decided to leave. We are no longer friends for obvious reasons. What are the keys to recovery, I really don't know, I know what worked for me, I started to do things that I like, simple things, like going to baseball games and playing baseball. Having my coffee in the morning. Those little things have helped, whatever you liked as a child or liked while growing up, go back to that, do the things that identify who you are. I didn't do rehab, I didn't have to. I changed my number, told people to fuck off. I've lost too much already. I am still recovering my losses but I am not giving up and neither should you. Stay strong.
Here’s another hint, the gay community likes to give names to drugs, think of Tina, like you think of your ex boyfriend or ex trick, that person you hate, you will eventually hate that bitch too and stay away from her. Now I understand why Ike beat that bitch up all the time, THAT BITCH IS EVIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!