kirk read’s piece from 06 august 2004

Piss. Sometimes you need to drink piss by the gallon, strong like cider gold like pilsner mean miss – undiluted by proper water intake or light beer, in this town you get vitamin piss – all the trace elements of minerals and Walgreen’s supplements rushing through bodies like an army of sperm searching for an egg – you get that neon yellow piss that guys look closely at when it fills the toilet –

Right hot bitter evidence of somebody’s good habits –
or in this town you get protease piss, which tastes like you’re biting into a Viagra, like you let a pill stay in your mouth too long –
that kinda piss

I found this guy on Craig’s List
he had that kinda piss
protease piss
piss that makes your mouth reverberate like you’re opening packet after packet of Sweet-n-Lo and turning your tongue into a powder white blanket
This guy from Craig’s List
he had that kinda piss
he had cold hands and I’m a hooker so getting touched with cold hands is a boundary for me
So I rubbed my hands together and I said to him
“Go like this”
And we rubbed our palms against each other
like we were making a fire
He was so shaky
like a client from Ohio
scared of it all
I tried eye contact but he was
not capable
darting – unfocused
he had that gay sex ADD
I tried but I knew it was hopeless
so I sank to my knees
& said, “piss in my mouth”
He asked “Here?”
meaning on the rug, meaning not
in the bathroom, meaning
“ Will you be able to take it?”
and I sensed that this one needed a strong guiding hand so I said
PISS IN MY MOUTH

and he did
and it went down like Thera Flu
and he left
Fuckin’ Craig’s List

It was midnight and all you find on
Craig’s List at midnight are tweakers
and guys who say they want to play and you plan it all out
just when you get to the part where
an address is exchanged
Suddenly he’s too tired
but he’s got your email
how about Friday night
and it’s midnight on Tuesday
and I want dick now
not Friday

so I sensibly give up on tonight and
decide to jerk off – lay out my
porn & lube & poppers & paper towel
and I was so close with that
guy that jittery guy – I should’ve
shot, but why reward people for cold hands?

I’m jerking & jerking & adding more lube
& putting on a cock ring & nothing is
working – I’m not even halfway hard –
so it’s 2:30 AM – I pop _ a Viagra and
chew it so it’ll work faster –
in 15 minutes I’m figuring
I’ll be rock hard
ready to pop off & go the fuck to bed
for Christ’s sake
I have no more time for gay men
On Craig’s List
I have no time I have no time

I’m very important I’m tapped in
I’m electric I’m too much for
Craig’s List my dick is not working
my dick is not working
it hits me
I’m tweaking
I’m fucking tweaking on crystal
from that guy’s piss
FUCK
so I just put away my shit

my porn & lube & all of it
put it away ‘cuz shit’s
not gonna happen tonight

I am in my apartment
I am alone with my cat
I am awake wide awake
it’s 4 AM
and I’m not angry with anyone
the walls are such comfort
the blinds are all down
my cat is sleeping soundly
my plants are slurping
I’m watering them all
a dollop of Oxygen Plus so the
roots don’t rot
they can sit in water & not die
I’m getting so much done
Three loads of laundry
Alphabetizing m volunteer applications

Putting clothes away, stacking my pants in 3 lines on a shelf – so many projects – so many beginnings – and everyone else is asleep it’s 5 AM and I am getting ahead I’m getting ahead of everyone like I get to start my algebra test early – like all my quizzes are take home

This rug under my feet is so thick I wonder what’s under it – I wonder if the floors are hardwood whether my roommate ever thought about pulling up all the tacks & padding & stripping it and staining it but STOP

even I can tell that I’d never finish this task – the path of crystal is full of unfinished ideas –

Craig’s List 7 AM – I hit the going-to-work crowd ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE I suck them off drink their piss I am a machine
they ask me am I partying
I say no I’m just an early riser
all day I’m a 50s housewife
       cock crazy
       housebound
thank the Lord Jesus Christ for DSL
       I didn’t eat a crumb
       just coffee just coffee and
secret cigarettes & gum
       Carefree peppermint gum

And that night I suck two more guys
off, drink more piss, finally
shoot my load –
it is overdue
I am a wreck freaked out
apocalyptic Medusa
this is why I can’t do speed
I suck at crashing
I turn into a beaten puppy
scared of every footstep
I pop 2 Ambien and try to simmer
down – chamomile – a long hot
shower – I shut down my computer
after tapping out one last email
to the guy whose piss got me high

I’m like you know what, I don’t know
if you were on speed and if you
were that’s fine but next time you
piss down a guy’s throat would
you consider telling him that
he might get high from it?
‘ Cuz some of us can’t handle
the RPMs of Tina
Some of us crash too hard
the world goes too fast for me
anyway
      I can’t go faster I can’t go faster
       I can’t go faster
Shhhhh Shhhhhh
             Shhhhhh