O.K. So I know everyone heard about the "Suddenly, Everybody's Talking About Crystal and Sex" campaign. There were only about a million posters and advertisements in every queer 'zine across L.A. You know the ones: the dude with the great body, a buddy's arm draped around him, the words "Crystal" and "Sex" floating seductively above them. They looked more like party fliers than invitations to several community forums addressing crystal methamphetamine use within the Los Angeles gay male community. But that's what they were.I was a facilitator for two of the four forums. New to Los Angeles and not unfamiliar with casual drug use, I immediately noticed that discussions surrounding the use of crystal were more charged than those I had experienced with other drugs in fashion on the East Coast. I had experimented with crystal only a few times, but I wanted to know more about what was making it such a big deal here in L.A. What meaning had this drug acquired within our community? For that matter, what role do any drugs play in our lives as gay men dealing with issues of sexuality, intimacy, aging, body image and HIV? In order to answer my questions, I decided to help facilitate the forums.
The forums' mission was fairly straightforward. This was not to be a twelve-step recovery program, though many people currently in recovery were expected to attend. It would not attempt to promote or necessarily condemn drug use among gay men, though there would be group members who would feel strongly both ways. Instead, it was hoped that the forums would create a safe space in which we, as gay men, could openly discuss issues of importance to our health, sexuality and community. It seems as if, although we as gay men have often been accused of focusing too often on sex, open discussions of our sexual behaviors, identities, fears and longings have been non-existent or lacking in substance. Let's face it, opening up to others, and thus putting ourselves on the line, can really be a challenge. It was hoped that these forums might change that.
The Plummer Park forum in West Hollywood on November 2 was the most widely attended of the forums with a group in excess of 40 men. The plan had been to have a large general discussion which would allow people to create a rapport while generating ideas for smaller group discussions later in the day. The ground rules were simple: judgments would have to be checked at the door. If everyone was to honestly share their experiences with illegal drug use and sex, then everyone would have to agree to guard the safety of the environment by respecting one another's opinions and avoiding debates on the"correctness"of those opinions. The most immediate impact of the discussion on me was the realization that practices and experiences associated with crystal use and misuse fell along a wide continuum. Looking at the men around me, I saw no specific type of crystal user: club kids in their early twenties, men in their late fifties and sixties, Whites, Latinos, and African Americans - you name it. Yet among all of us there was a unifying need to share what drug use meant in our lives, to bring"Tina," (a popular name for crystal meth), into the light, and to open up with many of the emotional issues we had never been allowed to adequately express.
Intimacy continued to surface as a paramount issue. Again and again I heard us wish for a deeper sense of intimacy and connection with other men we trusted and deeply cared about. The seductive attraction to crystal meth was its powerful effect on sex and the intimacy it seemed to bring. The majority of men present, regardless of the modes by which they used crystal, used it to enhance sex. On crystal, feelings of euphoria boosted our self-esteem, often reducing our inhibitions and appearing to induce a comfort level that could easily be confused with intimacy. Unfortunately, after coming down from the effects of the drug, that sense of closeness was often lost, leaving us with feelings of guilt and loneliness.
For some of us, crystal played an important role in boosting esteem associated with physical attractiveness and body image. While tweaking, we could feel one step ahead of those around us, especially in the clubs and discos. Self-possessed and energetic, we could forget our community's prescriptions of beauty, casting aside our self-doubt and experiencing a sense of comfort within our own bodies. Sadly, these effects lasted for only a short time. I think that there is a great pressure within our community to achieve physical perfection, a difficult goal for the majority of us. Crystal offered a release from the sense of failure we feel when we cannot achieve such perfection.
Several men shared that growing older was a cause of stress and anxiety. Believing that our worth within the gay community diminishes over time, some of us were inclined to feel less attractive or isolated from the "scene" featured in the gay media and magazines. Crystal for some was seen as a way to bypass feelings of loneliness and loss associated with getting older by stimulating a renewed and energetic confidence in body image and sex.
For many who used crystal, the drug allowed them to forget about more than their attitudes about growing older and having sex. It very often provided a reprieve from issues surrounding HIV. Of those attending the forums, roughly one half were HIV positive. For both those who were negative as well as for those who were positive, crystal mehtamphetamine use often played a part in easing fears associated with HIV disease. One participant shared that his interest in crystal stemmed from a need to escape from the grief of losing countless friends. Another offered that crystal allowed him to forget about his own positive HIV status while having sex, something that had seemed to loom over all of his sexual encounters in the past.
Of course, we also discussed the dangers involved in forgetting ourselves and our inhibitions, especially where sex is involved. Too often, crystal created a sense of sexual urgency that precluded planning safer sex activities or negotiating with our partners. Thus, crystal seemed to contribute to the transmission of HIV as well as other STDs. It was agreed among all present that crystal is a powerful and potentially dangerous drug. Controversy, however, arose concerning the ability of some to continue as functional users while others clearly became misusers. Many of those in attendance had found it impossible to use crystal only occasionally. Some had lost jobs, homes, friends and lovers to their misuse of crystal. Sharing stories of dysfunction and loss of control, some men had endangered their health by going on long binges and not sleeping or eating for many days. For many of these men, the thought of casual, functional crystal use seemed unlikely. There were, however, several men who testified to being casual, recreational users of crystal. For them, crystal use was occasional and more controlled, often relegated to a free weekend or other pre-planned time. These men had never missed a day of work nor suffered from any other severely negative effects of crystal use. Instead, the drug was treated as any other controlled substance and its use kept in moderation.
Depending upon whether one was a recovering addict or a functional user, agendas and emotional responses to the issues discussed varied widely. Often, users and abstainers found that their opposing viewpoints elicited emotional responses of anger and judgment toward one another. As one of the facilitators, it was my role to regulate and subdue these frictions, reminding each of the forum participants of the non-judgmental goals of the meeting. More important than our disagreements, however, was the awareness of one another that we were cultivating. By listening to those around us, we realized that many of us were going through similar hardships associated with our sexuality and/or drug use. Being at different points in our personal journeys, though, we were able to give and receive support and guidance in ways that would not have been possible in other settings. Here, we were all equals. We could incorporate the advice and experiences of others into our lives or disregard it completely. The forums emphasized personal autonomy and responsibility.
At the close of the forum at Plummer Park, I realized that the whole experience of coming together as a group of strangers to discuss issues such as drug use, sex and HIV had elicited within me a deeply emotional response. More than learning about crystal use within our gay male community, I shared myself with a group of gay men and received their respect and trust. The forums provided a space in which a group of previous strangers shared intimate details of their lives, their triumphs and failures, stories of heartbreak and recovery. Though crystal could devastate lives, the act of men coming together to communicate had the power to rebuild and strengthen them. At the close of the Plummer Park forum, I felt a real closeness with the men in my small group. The importance of what we were doing had moved some of us to tears. I hope what began with a small gathering of men this Fall sparks a fire of communication that has everybody talking about crystal and sex and the deeper issues that surround them. Together, we took an important step toward promoting well-being in our own lives and within our community. To those men in attendance: Thanks guys. You really made a difference.
The forums will not end here. A new campaign is in the works, which will again bring to light crystal methamphetamine use within the gay and bisexual community as well as crack. SexVibe will definitely keep you posted.
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