Getting To The Point
I had been in relationships (gay) since I was 16. Some long, some short. Always in love ( in different forms) and always hoped this one was my life time love. I had always been much older than my years. I always had a type, short, older, smart and caring. My life always had a plan. At 47, single and finding out about the fun sexual playing that could be had by a Dom Daddy type and in good shape. I found a huge amount of fun to had to me. It was a entirely new world opened up to me. I was in heaven! I had to learn all the little details about reading profiles and sex ad's. Like "getting to the point" and slamming good time". I sure had a ALOT to learn. Slamming good time I thought was a heavy fucking scene. So after learning about the terms I had to go online and learn more. I found I love partied up boi's. What fun they were! Up for whatever Daddy directed them you do for me. And the energy levels they had to all nighters! I felt like I was young and starting all over again being with them. I also listened and watched to how things happened in their "life". I even searched online to be well informed, pro and con's. Found this site and read everything here I could. I felt very confident I was well enough informed to make my own informed choice to try it out in my own formed controlled way.
I had a BLAST. Did role playing I had only dreamed of. Was always the Dom in control at parties. Setting up scenes for other and control the environment and safety for everyone. Needless to say I was a real hit. Happen to be very honest, working guy with house and family and friends, a real life. Everything most of whom I played with wanted as well. Top of my game. So I was never charged for coming to joining the party. (my thought " not costing me and I'm still doing everything else I do to live my life".
This was a great life for about a year. The more popular I was the more often I was called to come over and play or plan and control something. "
Things starting falling a little at a time. First work wasn't a as easy as it once was the following day for me. Thinking wasn't a clear as it once was. I was wanting the party when I no one called so I started spending the money myself. But only a little (least right then).
I knew I wasn't meeting "real people" and I kept the party people and my real life people apart. But I found I little time, over time, to actually spend with my "real people". Part people were taking over my life. Slowly everything was getting worse and worse. work slowed down (self employed) not able to really enjoy much of my old "real life". So much drama for the "party people" really was starting to get into my real life.
Everything built as I'm sure many of you know. then my health started going to hell one step at a time slowly. I've never had bad health. I've been poz for many, many years and no problems.
A year ago I was in the hospital three times all were over a weeks stay (never been in hospital other than accident once). First I blamed be tired. But along with that depression was getting so bad I really care any more. I faked trying to be positive minded but inside I was dying.
Most always been undetectable and med's have always worked great for me. Last stay in hospital my test. Viral load was over 8 million and CD4 under 100. Part of me was like OK the HIV finally came my way. ( Not the Tina) so party while you can. I tried but just couldn't hold up to it. My better side inside myself stepped up and say if you go you're not going to be remembered like the last couple years but the person I had always been before. Positive minded, caring and loving. I have been off this drug for over a year now.
I have a life back again, slowly mind you, but back, I have paid prices I didn't find in my research before I ever "got to the point". My numbers now, undetectable and 800cd4. It hasn't been easy and still want to have the "good party" back again. But to think I could ever survive going through all this again. I think not. Not worth it to me. I find strength in being able to share and ask for help when I need it. This has been through my "real family and friends" and some counseling help. I too am not a real NA fan. But they have some good guideline that adopted for my own way of doing what I'm doing. My motto for this, and this is ONLY mine to deal with my own bull headedness. I can use whenever I really want to, anytime, anywhere................... Then I think about what I had to go through to learn my own lesson with Tina. Not worth it for me. But I wish everyone who has this girlfriend in their life's the best on their own path with it. My paths had to change for what I really wanted out of life!
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